Back in the days and weighs

I’ve just been informed from a very good friend of mine, that her brother was selected to participate in Guam’s The Biggest Loser competition. Because part of the judging may be based on popularity vote, she’s asking for as much voting participation as I can garner. I want to help him. And I’d like for you to help me. Whaddya’ say? Stay tuned for the voting site?

I know from firsthand experience how the never ending, often non-gratifying, sometimes back-tracking, endless tear-inducing, constant struggle one must endure just to battle the bulge. I also know just how difficult it is to once lose the weight, keep it off and somehow gain a somewhat acceptable self-image of yourself. Now when I say “acceptable self-image,” I don’t mean the image others see or even the actual image that reflects back when one looks at themselves in the mirror, but the image we see when we see ourselves in that same mirror. I know.

Back in high school, I weighed a whopping 94lbs. It fluctuated to 96 and to 98, but never did it fall below 94lbs. I remember saying that I would shoot myself if I ever reached the triple digits. Ahhh…if I only knew then what I know now. My best friends, who I hung out with, who I measured everything against and whose words were “law,” weighed 90lbs…combined. OK, each but it sometimes seemed that it was their combined weight. Sometimes it fluctuated to 94 and (dear lord!) would often fall to the mid to low 80’s. And I envied them. They wore size zero jeans and size XS shirts and those strappy blouses that I always looked ridiculous in (Yes, I checked…repeatedly, with fingers crossed). I once put myself on a mountain dew (only) diet but only managed to squeeze into a size 2. Once. Those jeans looked like they were painted on and they never were the same since. I spent my time wishing away my curvy hips, chubby cheeks and fatty arms and thighs. Those disappointing parts were all I could ever see when I looked in the mirror. At some point, I added on other complaints to those flaws and perhaps my imagination grew wild and all throughout high school, I convinced myself I was fat and thus, ugly.

After three children in 4 years, I’ve managed to not only get into the dreaded triple digits but at one point in time, pushed doubling that horrifying triple digit. On a 4′10″ frame, that’s no small feat…ahem, pun very intended. During a very low point in my life, I lost all the weight I gained since high school and was back down to high school weight. It cheered me a little. Looking back, I would’ve taken one look at me and concluded that I was dying of some incurable disease. Needless to say, 94 lbs didn’t look good on me. And the image my mind’s eye saw when I looked in the mirror? Was still fat. On top of that, it was now old, droopy and ugly. Laugh if you want. I did. Still am.

Through my weight struggles now, I’ve found that it was necessary to find some kind of happy medium. I’ve also learned that a healthy image can only be maintained by a healthy lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong. The new size zeros and (I just may be sick) double zeros for those below a zero, constantly put dents in my resolve (along with those juicy Mickey Dee’s burgers that I sometimes happily succumb to). But I’m learning to be happy with me and with the me that I see when I look in the mirror. I’m still in the triple digits but not near pushing the double version of it anymore. I’m no supermodel, but I at least acknowledge just how close I can be at becoming an in-denial, unwilling participant in this “Guam’s Biggest Loser” competition. (Think: Me, wiry haired, ketchup streaks across my face, being dragged by the wrists, screaming, “I like eating Big Macs!”).  I know the courage and grit it takes and the daunting task of not accepting who we currently are (or accepting, depending), looking forward to who we can be and the patience it takes to accept who we finally and really are…even if it means accepting our current state and/or working from the outside in.

So whaddya’ say? As soon as I get the site, could I get you to vote for my favorite candidate?